It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

Wow. This will never ever never get old. - sj

It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Different Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

(click here for original post on McSWEENEY'S website)

Kickspit Underground Rock Festival!!!

just watch.

for those in the dark, Saturday Night Live is back to it's awesome form, the last several years.

"I've Got Drugs" - by the Frogs

man, I gotta get some Frogs back into my rotation. perhaps the funniest band ever.

Rockology - Part One

JT is an extreme artist, undeniably-hilarious, and one of the most creative people I've ever met. He's a friend, and also someone I've had the pleasure of working with in the recording studio. Original Sins (one of his bands), are, BY A MILE, the greatest rock band you never heard of. I will be posting some links to his website soon, and detailing more about him; including a list of records you have to go out and get. For now, enjoy this first installment of Rockology.

"I don't care - I want an iPhone 4"

just watch this. it's bleepin' hilarious. btw, I'm w/ the brown bear (if that's what they are), as all "appleheads" are!! (yes, u may need to sit thru a 30-second ad)- sj

iPhone 4 Vs HTC Evo - Watch more Funny Videos

"Happy Birthday to me...."

Yes, today is my birthday. The greatest day of my life. And this utterly hilarious video was sent to me by a friend.

two of the coolest, funniest (and cutest!) artists in the world.

if you haven't heard about Garfunkel & Oates yet, then you're in luck! Check out their website, and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! Here's a pic and a clip..

NBC news report on 2nd day of Sex Pistols U.S Anarchy Tour, Jan 1978

some really good and funny stuff in here...

Lookout! Demon Sheep!

This is awesome. Bat-shit-crazy-awesome. This attack ad (3.5 minutes, bottom of this post) for a CA GOP primary, was released 2 days ago, and all things Demon Sheep went viral for 48-hours (and counting). While funny as hell (because it's real!), it's nowhere near as funny as the @demonsheep twitter feed, it spawned (if you like this kind of humor, like I do); check out a few tweets from whatever crazy soul is twittering under the name "Demon Sheep:"-sj

"Offered Todd Palin to help them kill wolves in AK, but he's afraid I'd eat his sled dogs for fun. He's probably right."

"Yes, I have started following some people. How else do you expect me to catch and dismember them?"

"Why do humans worry about 2012? I will never allow you to live that long."

"I am responsible for the very worst atrocities that have befallen mankind: War, Famine, James Cameron's Avatar."

"You know all those pants that are foolishly on the ground? You're welcome."

Here's Jason Linkin's take, from HuffPo: HOLY CRAP, AMERICA. Mere days after a teensy little Orleans Parish Coroner's election offered the opening salvo in the Attack Ad Wars of Campaign 2010, we have this ad from Carly Fiorina, running for the Senate in California that is a straight-up game-changing, shock-and-awe slice of pure, mountain-grown BONKERS.

In this THREE-AND-A-HALF MINUTE LONG video, the Fiorina campaign goes after former California Congressman Tom Campbell, who leads the Republican field in the primary race to unseat incumbent Senator Barbara Boxer. The Fiorina campaign's main point is that Campbell is a "Fiscal Conservative In Name Only." It's a fairly standard issue claim -- or at least it would be, if the video that presented the argument didn't play like Terry Gilliam and Ingmar Bergman collaborated on a campaign-year sequel to "The Wicker Man".

The epic ad begins with a voice-over narrator intoning, "Purity...piety..." against the backdrop of galloping sheep. Then, Monty Python animation kicks in, elevating one sheep on a giant column into the ionosphere. Then: THUNDER! LIGHTNING! Darkening skies! A new voice-over narrator -- the cheapest Morgan Freeman imitator money could buy -- starts impugning Campbell, amid jump cuts of Campbell and sheep and pigs and graphs and quotes, while Satan's opera company chants dark recitatives in the background.

"And sadly, we're just getting started..." Cheap Morgan Freeman says. And sadly, THEY ARE! JUST! GETTING STARTED! More accusations and quotes and scary question marks, until it achieves its apotheosis: DEMON-EYED SHEEP!

By the way: this whole metaphor of Campbell pretending to be a heroic cutter of budgets and limiter of government DOES NOT REALLY WORK when you refer to him as a "wolf in sheep's clothing." Surely, the brave fiscal conservatives are the more vulpine breed! Ideally, the Fiorina campaign would want to contend that Campbell is a SHEEP in WOLVES' clothing. Right? Take off his disguise and he's just another member of the herd? I guess it's hard to work in the DEMON-EYED SHEEP image, in that case.

Also, when the ad gets around to mentioning that Fiorina is the better choice, maybe its makers should have killed the Satan Opera for a more optimistic piece of music?

Fiorina campaign: you should totally call me for ideas!

And OMFG, the poor guy who had to crawl around on all fours in a field wearing a sheep's pelt to make this ad! I have the most pity for that individual. I also have pity for California State Assemblyman Chuck DeVore, the twittering loser who is also running in this primary race that no one takes seriously, and who probably has a sad that he's not earned his own attack ad like this.

That said, this advertisement is just beyond belief. I dare anyone to top this.

Way funny Will Arnett clip!

Merry Christmas, John Waters!

this is a ridiculously-awesome Christmas clip a friend (Rodney Anonymous, Dead Milkmen) recently posted on line. I can't stop laughing. See his awesome blog, "Rodney Anonymous Tells You Hor To Live" here. - sj

Rodney: "OK, as there appear to be some folks out there who don't know the story behind "cha-cha heels" here's the clip from John Waters' "Female Trouble." WARNING: This clip is NSFW and contains language that you wouldn't want your kids to here. That said, it is also the greatest statement about Christmas that American cinema ...has ever made (TBS should just show a loop of this for 24 hours)"

Jim Carrey on Canada.

a funny-arse clip, from the master...

It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

funniest thing I've read recently. go here for original piece and website. - sj

We're rolling out deal after deal in celebration of the harvest. Check our store daily for this cornucopia of cheap books.

It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Different Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

"spacejace, why do you hate freedom?"

So I objected to something our government was doing one day (on facebook), and a buddy weighed in and said, "spacejace, why do you hate freedom?" I laughed and responded, at which point, another friend stated he's been keeping a list of things I hate. Here's his list:

1) Freedom
2) Tradition
3) God
4) Puppy Dogs
5) the Bible
6) Gun Rights
7) Babies
8) Free Enterprise
9) Our Troops
10) Gays
11) God

laughing my ass off...

Happy Mother's Day!

this is great - from SNL. - sj

Lee'z Steez blog: check it out!

Gotta check out this blog. It's one I follow (also on the left sidebar here), but I wanted to hi-lite it here because it's original and it cracks me the hell up. Isn't that a good enough reason to check out anything these days? It's what blogging is all about as well: loggin' - and keepin' it real. on the web. (click title of this story to go to it).

Here's an excerpt from the most recent post: "My plan was to post each night of my "home alone" stint, accompanying each of my pieces with a report card-style analysis of my performance. I even had nifty grading fields like "transitions" and "meals/nutrition" ready to roll. After two nights I now see how ridiculous this would've been. You can't grade parenting. Good thing, 'cause I'd be running about a 1.85 right about now if you could."

Lee'z Steez blog: take ten minutes....!!!

Gotta check out this blog. It's one I follow (also on the left sidebar here), but I wanted to hi-lite it here because it's original, it cracks me the hell up, and really, it's what blogging is all about: loggin' - keeping a log. and keepin' it real. on the web. (click title of this story to go to it).

Donovan's Brain

This rules. Lee Mazzola's a buddy of mine and his blog, Lee's Steez (link to it on left sidebar!) is currently the funniest blog I read regularly. Check it out. This is a recent video he made. It was filmed during the NFC Championship game between the Cardinals and the Eagles (Lee lives in NYC and is a misguided, brainwashed Yankmees fan).

Lee Mazzola: "This starts at Philly's first possession of the second half, or what seemed at the time to be a major turning point of the game. I did my best to capture the excitement of the moment..."