It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

Wow. This will never ever never get old. - sj

It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Different Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

(click here for original post on McSWEENEY'S website)

"I've Got Drugs" - by the Frogs

man, I gotta get some Frogs back into my rotation. perhaps the funniest band ever.

Rockology - Part One

JT is an extreme artist, undeniably-hilarious, and one of the most creative people I've ever met. He's a friend, and also someone I've had the pleasure of working with in the recording studio. Original Sins (one of his bands), are, BY A MILE, the greatest rock band you never heard of. I will be posting some links to his website soon, and detailing more about him; including a list of records you have to go out and get. For now, enjoy this first installment of Rockology.

South Park - facebook

Trey Parker & Matt Stone are STILL killin' it, after all these years.

two of the coolest, funniest (and cutest!) artists in the world.

if you haven't heard about Garfunkel & Oates yet, then you're in luck! Check out their website, and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! Here's a pic and a clip..

L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.

anyone know what this is from?

League Of Villainous Evildoers Maniacally United For Frightening Investments & Naughtiness.

or: L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.

Way funny Will Arnett clip!

Merry Christmas, John Waters!

this is a ridiculously-awesome Christmas clip a friend (Rodney Anonymous, Dead Milkmen) recently posted on line. I can't stop laughing. See his awesome blog, "Rodney Anonymous Tells You Hor To Live" here. - sj

Rodney: "OK, as there appear to be some folks out there who don't know the story behind "cha-cha heels" here's the clip from John Waters' "Female Trouble." WARNING: This clip is NSFW and contains language that you wouldn't want your kids to here. That said, it is also the greatest statement about Christmas that American cinema ...has ever made (TBS should just show a loop of this for 24 hours)"

Monty Python "Meaning of Life" clip: Part VI - The Autumn Years

seriously: brace yourselves for hurt stomach and tears. John Cleese just kills in this. Genius.

Jim Carrey on Canada.

a funny-arse clip, from the master...

It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

funniest thing I've read recently. go here for original piece and website. - sj

We're rolling out deal after deal in celebration of the harvest. Check our store daily for this cornucopia of cheap books.

It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Different Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

a funny blog entry by Michael Ian Black

by Michael Ian Black
July 18th, 2009

My Weekend So Far

Did I make gazpacho today? I did. Because I’m finally home and able to do things like make gazpacho. I also made some turkey burgers on the grill and refilled a propane tank. If it sounds like I’m very manly at home, it’s because I am. Set aside the fact that I also fluffed pillows and organized my closet. Those can be manly tasks if they are accompanied by grunts and performed while drinking a Schlitz. Although now that I think about it, gazpacho isn’t a very manly soup, even if you put extra garlic in it, so maybe I’m not as manly as I think. The propane tank was pretty macho, I guess, especially when I was lugging it from my SUV to the grill, so that counts for something.

Regardless, the point is that I am largely finished with television production for a little while, and get to spend some time at home with my family. The weather could not be better, which is why I am inside with the windows closed surfing the internet and blogging.

Some friends from New York are on their way up to my Connecticut mansion with their fantastic, amazing (snotty, ill-behaved) children. Should be fun. We’re going to loll around outside and maybe have a bonfire with s’mores later. Or maybe after the kids go to bed, we’ll decide to swing. Who knows? The point is, I’m grateful to be home.

As for my kids, they are taller than I remember. One of them, whose name escapes me at the moment, has gotten obsessed with the new Wii I bought them out of guilt. When I first bought it, I told them we were going to put a limit on the amount of time they get to play per day. I did not know when I said that, that the limit would turn out to be twenty-three hours a day. When I was a kid, I used to spend pretty much every waking moment on my old Atari system, so I know how he feels. He asked me the other day what my favorite thing to do was when I was a kid. I wanted to say, “masturbate,” but I decided to go with my second favorite thing, which was “play video games.” So I understand his enthusiasm.

Back in my day, there was no concern for the violence in video games. One of the most popular was called “Missile Command,” in which your job was to prevent a nuclear holocaust. The game ended when you failed. So every game of Missile Command ended with six cities decimated by nuclear bombs. Oh well. My son is playing Super Mario Galaxy, and every time I pass him I have to restrain myself from calling him a pussy.

So it’s a good day to be home. Sho and I are going to be on Jimmy Fallon’s show on Tuesday if you want to watch. Should be fun. Also, please don’t forget that our new show “Michael & Michael Have Issues” is on every Wednesday at 10:30 EST. I need the show to succeed because I put the Wii on layaway, and if we get cancelled that’s the first thing that’s going back.

click here for his blog/site

More funny from Lee's Steez blog!

funny post from last month on Lee Mazzola's blog, Lee's Steez. - sj

Sunday June 14th, 2009
Mets 6, Yankees 2

Got to spend most of the day with Lee Jr, which was awesome. Had a mild panic attack when the boy almost took a header off the jungle gym at Totlot 116.

The Mz got home around 3pm, and I left for the game soon after. Kinda weird, but I went to the Subway Series myself this year. I guess that's part of being a season ticket holder-- you reserve the right to say "Fuck it, I'm going myself today."

3:27 In the five minutes it took me to walk up to the bus stop I went from "eh, it's not so bad out" to "better put on my jacket" to "Jesus, it's pouring out!" This is the same continuum one follows when listening to any post-Lovesexy Prince album for the first time (from "hey, this is pretty good" to "jeez..." to "turn this fucking shit off!").

3:44 An unbearable stench of unknown origin was present at the 125th St subway stop. People were gagging, covering their noses, and frantically walking around in hopes of getting away from the stink. Either somebody died somewhere or someone was about to.

3:50 A gaggle of tragically underdressed girls got on at 145th, wearing navy blue short shorts and tank tops. They were literally freezing their asses off.

4:09 Took the express elevator up and immediately picked up a cup of Guinness right across from the stairs to my seats. It's a wonderful stadium.

4:10 OK, not the best pour I've ever had, but still hitting the spot.

4:12 Hey, Luis Castillo's leading off!

4:14 Even in the pouring rain, my seats are as dry as Don Henley's snare drum.

4:16 My section is pretty lame: cadavers and Met fans. Seriously, the average age for at least five rows is about 63. Not sure if it makes me feel younger or older.

4:25 TRIVIA #1: Name all the Muslim major leaguers in history.

4:26 This is looking like a long afternoon here. Maybe I should leave right now and catch the 5:00 showing of The Hangover.

4:38 Why hasn't there been a remake of Bachelor Party? Or maybe there has?

4:39 We've certainly lost the intimidation factor here at Yankee Stadium-- it's about as threatening as Epcot Center.

4:41 Two couples just got booted out of their wrong seats, which are right in the middle of the row. The wives had that classic "we sat here because our husbands told us to" look on their faces. The husbands had no look on their faces because they were staring straight down.

4:42 Now this is exactly how I thought Pettitte would pitch this year-- 50+ pitches and still in the 2nd inning.

4:49 God, I can't wait to upgrade my seats.

4:52 NOT EXACTLY TRIVIA: Rank the four major professional team sports in order of average player IQ, from lowest to highest.

4:55 Kinda drunk after just one imperial pint of Guinness. This doesn't bode well for next Friday night.

5:03 I wonder what the most ridiculous name is that they'd actually put up on the giant $100 Yankee Fan Marquee... Karl Dingleberry, perhaps? I gotta try that this year.

5:05 Our billion-dollar stadium allows us to see the lyrics to "I Wanna Rock" on a 5000 sq. foot screen.

5:09 TRIVIA #2: How many players have won World Series as both Yankees and Mets?

5:15 So much for the pristine rest rooms. There's a giant splat of snot and blood on the top of the urinal I'm peeing in (on? into?).

[I decided to go find KumoD and his friend. We watched the rest of the lousy game together and parted ways.]

"spacejace, why do you hate freedom?"

So I objected to something our government was doing one day (on facebook), and a buddy weighed in and said, "spacejace, why do you hate freedom?" I laughed and responded, at which point, another friend stated he's been keeping a list of things I hate. Here's his list:

1) Freedom
2) Tradition
3) God
4) Puppy Dogs
5) the Bible
6) Gun Rights
7) Babies
8) Free Enterprise
9) Our Troops
10) Gays
11) God

laughing my ass off...