Friday, May 22, 2009

Juice the Tribe!

Baseball humor from Andy Borowitz:
The national pastime suffered another black eye last night when a mob of irate Cleveland Indians fans poured onto the diamond at Progressive Field to demand that their team take steroids.

Displeasure with the championship-starved squad reached a boiling point with the news that slugger Manny Ramirez took performance-enhancing drugs -- but only after leaving the Indians.

When asked by ESPN if he ingested the banned medication while playing for Cleveland, Mr. Ramirez shrugged his shoulders and replied, "What would be the point of that?"

Mr. Ramirez is just the latest in a long line of baseball players who have refused to take steroids while playing for the Indians, says fan Chuck Goulardi, 49, the leader of last night's protest.

"Manny's comment was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back," says Mr. Goulardi, who has seen his 'roid-free Tribe fall to their juiced-up competition more times than he can recall. "These players are paid good money, and all we're asking them to do is take one measly shot in the ass."

But getting the Indians to start taking steroids may be easier said than done, says former slugger Jose Canseco, the author of the controversial tell-all book Juiced. 

"On more than forty occasions I sneaked into the Cleveland clubhouse, offering to shoot those guys up with 'roids," says Mr. Canseco. "No takers." 

Last night's melee was only the latest display of dissatisfaction on the part of Cleveland fans, who earlier this season demanded that the giant TV screen on the outfield scoreboard show a different game.

Sigh. Yeah, that's how we feel.

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